Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
“Ninja please” -Japanese people