never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
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Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not