never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
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My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
