Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Why soy sad?
#oldknees
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho