Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.