Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid