Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
thinking about a very short hotdog
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.