Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

thanks auntie mary

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

Wednesday

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

One venti cheeseburger please.