Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone want a chair?

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.