Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
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[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Beauty and the Beast
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.