Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

canadian assassins are called killergrams

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty