Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code