Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit