[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
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Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”