Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there