Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
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Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*