Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
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Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
