Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

the dark web is just a goth google.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP