never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
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HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“i miss shittin on people”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd