Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
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when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”