Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
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Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.