never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
You Might Also Like
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?