*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
meow
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”