Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
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Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
The days of good grammer has went
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.