Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
The Struggle
