Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
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When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Have kids, they said
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!