Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
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nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you