Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

True story 🤣

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids: