Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
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Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.