Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No selfies while hijacking a train.

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

mechanics be like

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.