Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
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my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet