Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
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I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall