Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
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Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww