@BDGarp

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

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@MelvinofYork

There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.

@BigJDubz

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

@UncleDuke1969

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

@mostlysharks

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

@Mr_Kapowski

[driving car off a cliff]

Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars

@Dani_Feld

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

@ChefChas82

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

@Kimgee8

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

@internetluke

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

@McKelvie

Kids today have it so easy. All you have to do to regain your full health is not fight anyone for a while. In my day we had to go punch a trashcan in the street in the hopes of revealing a whole roast chicken we could eat to heal our wounds