Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

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There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.


Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter


Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.


friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason


[driving car off a cliff]

Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars


Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?


I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.


Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.


GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …


Kids today have it so easy. All you have to do to regain your full health is not fight anyone for a while. In my day we had to go punch a trashcan in the street in the hopes of revealing a whole roast chicken we could eat to heal our wounds