Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
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“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
not for long
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”