Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

my lower back watching me try to live my life

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do