Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

I don’t know what to do

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.