Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
The only equipped I am is ill.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
There are usually two types of merchants.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.