Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.