never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
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“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet