never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
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WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I had to Stop for this
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I’m being attacked 😭
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.