Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!