Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!