Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
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Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I ain’t wearing no wire
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
eating my hot dog hamburger style
crying
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
this is me
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack