Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
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10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy