Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.