Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
The booster protects against what, now?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin: