Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.