Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

I love texting my boyfriend

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.