Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
12653.