Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Icarus loved hot wings.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.