Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
This made me smile…
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.