Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Animal poetry
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.