Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
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Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
The two types of wives
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
This kid is going places
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism