Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
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“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Yup
Was it something I said?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My neck, my back, my…
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.