Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
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Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
realest tweet ever.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
How do I get a job writing these texts
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up