Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
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*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
How it started How it’s going
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
tis the season
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Stupid cow blocking the road. HOW DAIRY!
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY