Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
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I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
m’lady
This is my favorite one of these!
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?