Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.