My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
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[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Storm Tropical Storm