Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
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[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
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My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Don’t make me out nice you.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)