Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
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[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
