Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
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Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
Me, in DM rooms…
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
stop
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.