Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
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With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
what’s more important?