@sammyrhodes

Never understood Monopoly. It’s like saying, “Hey we’re stressed out about real $, so let’s play a game & get stressed out about pretend $.

You Might Also Like

@YoungNobler

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

@panmidwest

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

@curlycomedy

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

@VerbsRProudest

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

@FeelingEuphoric

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

@OneFunnyMummy

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

@modestjune

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

@UncleDuke1969

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?