1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?
-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Never understood Monopoly. It’s like saying, “Hey we’re stressed out about real $, so let’s play a game & get stressed out about pretend $.
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My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
“How come Americans write the month first?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today”
“It’s the fourth of July”
alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i’m the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.
Smart of Kermit to have a Swedish chef instead of a French one.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Cop: what the hell are you doing
Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir
Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*