Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

mechanics be like

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.