Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

I’m the neighbor

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)