Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
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deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.