Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
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It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.